30 Weeks and Counting

I passed the 30 week mark yesterday, which is when I thought I'd feel fairly safe about delivering these babies alive and well if they were to come early. Well, I don't feel all that relieved just yet. I really, really want to make it to 37 weeks. "Make it to May 7" has been my mantra. I have not been very hormonal during this pregnancy (okay, aside from the whole shower/carrot cake thing), but I do get irritable whenever friends or family pronounce that I am going to have these babies in April. Don't they understand that having them in April would not be a good thing???

On Friday, the peri measured each baby at 3 1/2 pounds. He said making it to 32 weeks would put the babies past most dangers. So another two week wait...
I've been having some major braxton-hicks contractions in the evening, and I can't lay down for more than an hour without my hip shooting pains through my side. I feel very, very heavy, but my weight is still holding steady. I have a new symptom, hemorrhoids, no doubt caused by all the pressure and weight from my uterus weighing down on me. Constipation has not been an issue thankfully. I am carrying very low and feel as though my belly might just fall off whenever I stand up. Overall, though, my spirits are high and I feel okay all things considered.

I now fully appreciate why doctors warn their patients about the risks of a twin pregnancy--I was so naive. I had no idea about what a real toll it would take on my body, since I've been as big as a woman carrying a singleton who is ready to give birth for over a month now. Plus there are all the prematurity risks to the babies. I honestly didn't think prematurity was that big of a deal...I really didn't do my homework since many babies in my family were premature. I am thrilled to be having twins, though--don't get me wrong. And I would transfer two again if I had to go back and do it over. But I don't think I could do it a second time if we were to try for a third baby.

H asked me the other night if I'd be willing to do another round of IVF to have a third child. I was surprised he asked, because he was always very clear that one round of IVF had been enough for him. He also only wanted two kids. Now that he's seen how exciting a pregnancy is, he seems open to a lot more things to make it happen than he was before. I, on the otherhand, had been open to another round of IVF initially, and I've always been interested in having three children. I'm still open to a third child, but I'm not sure I could do IVF again. For as long and physically straining this pregnancy has been on my body, the stress of going through the IVF cycle was much worse. The physical part of the cycle wasn't bad, but the mental part was the stuff of nightmares. I don't think I could take another round of my heart stopping over phone calls letting me know how many eggs were fertilized and still dividing. Especially since I felt like I was the one who had to be strong through the whole thing. I held everything inside for everyone else's sake, and as a result I don't think I ever came to terms with it.

We were so very lucky and blessed that our first round of IVF worked, and worked so well. From 14 eggs to 6 fertilized eggs to only 2 embryos that were suitable for transfer, and they weren't even blasts. There are so many people who have much more to work with and they have not been so lucky. I thank God every day for what we have been given.

And having been so lucky I don't think I could do it again. I wouldn't feel right putting two embryos back a second time because I think stretching my body to its limit a second time would be too risky for both me and the potential babies, especially as an over 30 something. And I wouldn't feel right only putting back one embryo if there was a second of equal quality that wouldn't be frozen if it weren't transfered. Yet if we were only having a singleton right now, I think I would do another round of IVF. It just doesn't get any easier living with infertility, and I don't envy the decisions any of us have to make about handling it.

So, after these babies are born, we'll be ditching the birth control for good and just praying in the back of our minds that maybe another type of miracle could happen for us one day, whether it be through spontaneous pregnancy or adoption. And if a third child doesn't happen for us, having two to love will still be more than we ever dreamed of when we entered this nightmare. Please God, let them stay put for another seven weeks so they are as strong and healthy as possible.