A Reminder of What IF Has Done to Me

I am a wreck right now...read this self-pitying post only if you are in the mood to stomach it.

I've been trying my very best to keep my chin up about my sister's natural pregnancy and her treatment of it. I like my sister a lot these days. I haven't always. In fact, I pretty much despised her until we were both married. She has always known how to hit a nerve in me that sends me to my absolute darkest. It hasn't helped that my parents treat her so much better than they treat me.

Well, she's not doing it on purpose right now, but she is the reason for my meltdown. She is exactly 2 and a half weeks behind me, and she has now told EVERYONE we know that she is pregnant. At first she told me she was just going to tell immediate family when she told me at 5 weeks, but turns out, she told all her friends at 5 weeks 1 day. Now, she's a little more than 7 weeks, and everyone knows. And just about no one knows about my pregnancy. So considering I'm ahead of her and doing the first trimester wait, I feel like this is bullshit. Especially when she knows how scared I am yet eager to tell people. When I DO tell family and friends, I feel like the fact that she told weeks ago will just further emphasize that all was not business as usual with my pregnancy.

But this isn't even why I'm so upset right now. I'm upset because she said the words "joint baby shower" to me tonight, implying that that was what my mom was planning to host for us. No effin way. This may be petty and selfish and something my friends cycling right now don't need to hear me whine about, but WHAT THE HELL? Why can't I have a moment of my own, especially after all the suffering H and I went through to get here? Why can't my mom and sister be sensitive to that? They're just thinking about what will be convenient for them. I think it's ridiculous. I have tons of friends. I can only hope one of them will hear of this from someone and step up to stop it. What a pathetic jerk I'm being, but I can't help it. My family never puts my feelings first. Ever. Never have. It's always been about my sister. When my sister first found out I was pregnant, one of the first things she said was how she couldn't wait to throw me a shower. Well, now with her pregnancy, obviously she'd rather just leave it up to my mom. And my mom will throw the same kind of gathering for me that she always throws--one that is all about what she wants. Which means at her house, even though she's an hour and a half away from me, my friends, and the entire rest of our family. And we'll have the deli lunch meat platter that she always gets, even though pregnant people can't eat that (my sister tells me how she's been eating lunch meat and it's just fine. Fool won't listen to me). It goes on and on. Just a reminder that I have some serious family issues. For as much as I complain about H's family, mine has been pretty crappy to me in the past too. I just haven't put it all out there because I feel so guilty. But why? They never seem to feel guilty for hurting me. Oh, I need therapy fast...

Is it ridiculous to be this upset about a shower at just shy of 11 weeks? Absolutely. I'm a nut case. Something could go wrong tomorrow and I'll be wishing to have the chance back to have the joint shower at all. But I just needed to come here and indulge my hurt feelings for a bit.

When I spoke my loud protest to a joint shower and even a mom-hosted shower, my sister just clammed up and got off the phone with me pretty fast afterwards. This is obviously not something she's going to back me on. Considering my twins will likely come early (like May 1) and she's not due until June 15, I don't see how a joint shower even makes sense logistically. I'll either be so far along that I won't be able to make the trip or my sister will have a long way yet to go when we have it. I had intended on hosting my sister's shower at my house as long as I didn't need bed rest. I guess that's not up to me if mom is taking over.

If it weren't for IF, I'd have already been through a pregnancy and wouldn't have this ultimate test of sibling rivalry to even deal with. I wouldn't be so apprehensive. I wouldn't be so needy. I just feel like my feelings have been stepped on too much.

Off to dry my tears before H gets home. Not sure how he'll react to this one. He'll probably call me crazy. But he knows what my family does to me, so maybe he'll understand. I hope you do too. If not, my chin will be back up tomorrow and I'll just keep focus on the most important thing--the babies. Who cares if I even have a shower, right? The babies are what matter. Maybe I'll just say I don't want a shower at all.