Breaking the News to Family

When I found out that H and I weren’t going to be able to conceive without some serious assistance, I told my parents almost immediately, even though I knew H didn’t want me to. My telling them was a little selfish. I felt that if they knew, then it would take some pressure off of me, because surely they were wondering why we didn’t have any “news” by now. They hadn’t been pressuring us, but I was feeling the pressure just the same every time my mom gushed over my brother-in-law’s new niece at family parties.

I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised at how my parents handled the news. My mom was extremely positive and supportive, which is absolutely not like her when it comes to stuff like this. Usually health problems scare my mom, and her way of dealing is to push the person away and even get a little mean. Her initial reaction of, “Thank goodness, that’s all that’s wrong? I was afraid you were going to say you had cancer,” maybe wasn’t the most sensitive thing to say, but it was still so much better than I had expected. My dad was simply quiet and listened, also uncharacteristic of him. I could tell he was just trying to digest it. I told them both that this was something that they COULD NOT discuss with H (he’d kill me), and that I wasn’t thrilled to talk about it either, but I would keep them updated when there was something to say, pretty much letting them know I don’t want them to ask me about it unless I initiate the conversation. At this point, I had no idea how they felt morally about IVF, and since this wasn’t a given yet, I really didn’t bring it up. I just told them we had “lots of options.”

H’s parent’s, opposite of mine, have been pressuring us for kids like crazy. They have older kids than us who are single, and I guess they see us as their only hope for grandkids. Boy did they back the wrong horse, huh? H does not want to tell them what’s going on, though I feel it would shut them up at least. It’s been painful every time they have bugged us about it, even before we knew for sure that we had a problem. They are very tacky and crude in the way they ask us about our “intentions to procreate.” I’m pretty sure they are looking at me as the problem, so it would be somewhat gratifying for me to be able to tell them that it’s partly their side of the gene pool that is experiencing some technical difficulties in this matter. That’s not fair to H though, and I can see how he would be mortified in telling them his diagnosis. Given their crude remarks about everything else, I can only imagine what they would say. One would hope they would be supportive, but there is no guarantee. H is so upset about this whole thing that having his parents upset him at the same time would only make it worse, especially since he is so conflicted about treatment.

About six months ago, H’s parent’s made one of their typical remarks when they were spending the weekend with us that maybe we should go upstairs and get busy so they could have some grandkids. H took them aside later and explained to them that we had been trying and that we would appreciate them not pressuring us about it and saying stuff like that. So, their response now is to loudly tell other people at family parties that they want grandkids but they are not allowed to talk about it to us. They also said that they started a college fund for our unborn child. I wonder how they’ll react if I ask them if we can use that money to help fund the child’s conception instead? They just won’t stop being pushy.