Attack of the Rude Relatives

I’ve been on hold for the past 20 minutes waiting to cancel my appointment with my old OB/Gyn practice. Crazy. I finally figured I would see how long of a post I could write before they get to my call.

My thesis is done and I’m going to distribute the copies to my committee tonight! Oddly, I don’t feel much better yet. H says I won’t feel relief until the defense is over and I have the diploma. He’s probably right. I was just hoping for some sense of calm to wash over me.

My agitated state could have a little something to do with H’s family, bringing us to the title of this post. I’ve deleted my previous posts on how awful they are because I felt guilty, but they are at it again and I must discuss. To recap, H’s mom has evidently told everyone about our need to do IVF, despite our clear instructions that this was private information and not to be shared. The ONLY reason we even told her and H’s dad is because they wouldn’t let up on us not being able to attend family events that were occurring during our retrieval and transfer. We also wanted them to know so that they would stop asking rudely framed questions about when we would have kids.

Well, after H got a phone call from his Lame Brother #1 (LB1) in which the brother brought up IF in front of a high school friend, H gave his mom a real talking to about her indiscretion and now the brother’s indiscretion. She was shocked to be yelled at over it but seemed sorry. So sorry, in fact, that she promised H that she would wait for him to announce our pregnancy at our next family gathering rather than telling his brothers or anyone else in advance.

Well, Lame Brother #2 (LB2) called yesterday, and he brought up to H that not only does he know about the pregnancy, he knows about the IF and he knows we are having twins. His sorta congratulations included all of this in the same sentence. His comment to H was "Man, I didn’t even know you guys were trying." Hmm, so why did H's mom feel the need to spill everything then??? Now, H’s mom had sworn to H that she had only told LB1 about the IF, her weak excuse being that LB1 is a doctor (chiropractor). Yes, I’ll take a back adjustment to fix my sperm issues from Mr. Faux Doc. Well, clearly she either lied to H from the beginning and had already told everyone about our IF, or, when she decided to announce our pregnancy without us anyway and told about the twins, she answered LB2’s likely question as to whether IF drugs were involved.

Needless to say, I’m pissed. Let’s say she simply told about the twins and then was faced with the “did they use IF drugs?” question. Knowing we DO NOT want our IF to be discussed, ALL she had to say was— "well, Emmie’s mom is a twin and remember her cousins who were flower girls in her wedding are twins…I guess twins run in the family." But nooooo.

So, my real chest pain right now is over the fact that we have to visit H’s family this very weekend--the weekend we agreed we would tell everyone about the pregnancy even though it’s still a few weeks early for my taste. Well, they all already know, and so help me if I get any questions about IF or our treatment. I will go OFF. And when my buttons are pushed to the limit like they are now, I am a force they will not want to reckon with in any way.

H was really mad too, both at his brother for his callous discussion about our pregnancy and his mom for blatantly ignoring his wishes. He said he’s going to talk to her again about it this week before we go up. He said if she ever blurts out anything about our kids’ conception in front of them, he will never see her again. We haven’t decided how or when or even what we are going to tell our kids, and we do not want to be forced into something just because H’s mom doesn’t have a bone of sense in her body. I’m just ready to light into her the moment I see her, which I know is bad for the babies. I’m trying to calm down about it, but I really can’t. I’m tense about the questions that might smack me out of nowhere from H’s aunt and cousins. (I’m pretty sure H’s mom has told them, too). I’ve been thinking of proper responses for when they say—"twins???—what type of treatment did you have?" Part of me wants a good dignified answer that lets them know I find it an inappropriate question and none of their GD business, and part of me wants to slide on--"don’t you remember how many twins there are in my family?"

Another possible response to "did you do IVF" is--"Wow, I guess times have really changed. When my cousin announced her twin pregnancy 10 years ago, NOBODY in my family even thought to ask her that question. And they didn’t even have IVF when my grandmother had twins. But now people won’t stop asking me that question! (in my sweetest voice, of course) Think that would shut them up?

Your help please--how would you handle H’s mom this weekend, and what are your best responses to the uncomfortable questions I might get? Being out about IF is not an option because I feel like it’s an even further invasion of my privacy. I’m happy to share the info and true facts with people I think need it, but not nosy relatives.