Lousy

Sorry for the silence, but I've been feeling a little sicker this week. Overall, the hints of morning sickness thrill me because I know something is still going right in there, but combined with the extreme fatigue I haven't been good for much of anything other than staring blankly into space once I get home from work. Today I have an awful headache, and its because of a fight I had last night with H.

I was in a good mood when I got home--a couple of things started going right with a few house issues we've been trying to resolve, plus I had just booked my next business trip and H ahd agreed to come along. I love having a trip to look forward to. This one is timed just perfect, because it means I will miss the baby shower of another cousin who has fallen pregnant acccidentally and out of wedlock. I'm not judging people who have kids accidentally, but it just rubs the IF in my face a litle more every time I see how obnoxiously over fertile the rest of my family is.

So, I'm feeling good as I check the mail. I see a thick bill from my clinic. Heart pounding, I open it, and start sweating as I turn page after page of fees, not seeing what my end balance is but what the pre-insurance costs are. Boy was it a lot. I imagined how hard reading this would be if the beta had been negative. But it wasn't. No matter what the end cost, I thought, it was worth every penny and more. I get to the last page with the total amount owed by me--100 bucks. Really?!?! Now, I'm suspicious that a few other bills might come my way as they always drag on after a medical procedure, but this one seemed to cover everything. Between the insurance coverage and my good response to the meds that led me to need only half the dosage originally prescribed by my nurse (a savings of $1,500), I thought we made out like bandits. I was thrilled.

H gets home and I tell him how happy I am to see the low bill. He starts going through it, item by item, questioning a bunch of stuff. It started to irritate me. Sure, make sure you understand what you're being billed for, but come on--this was only 100 bucks total. I don't think they were ripping us off anywhere. I knew I was overreacting a little, so I kept it to myself and didn't complain when he said he was going to call the office and ask about a few things. (The bill lists all my meds and their costs, which he thought was weird since that was self-pay and taken care of through the pharmacy.)

So then he asks me when I will get released to the regular ObGyn, and I tell him that our RE said I would be released after our appointment this Monday, and that in addition to the ObGyn the RE was going to refer me to a Periontologist due to the twin factor. To which he replies--You're kidding? Another co-pay we'll have to deal with? Inside, I fumed. I couldn't believe that he was going to complain about a stinking $40 co-pay after all we'd been through. What if we weren't successful? What if we had to do all this agin? So I said--hey, at least you're not the one being poked and prodded by a million different people. I'd like to see you take my place for a week. This infuriated him, and he actually yelled at me about how insensitive I was, and how vindictive it was of me to wish any of it on him. WTF???

I tried to keep it together, but then I lost it. Bawling. Sobbing. Almost to the point of hyperventalism. I left the room to calm down and wouldn't let him talk to me--it only upset me more. I'm still upset. He apologized for upsetting me but does not feel he didn't anything wrong. He said he was just venting about how much these kids will cost when they aren't even born yet, and how it wasn't fair that our friends paid nothing to have their kids. I thought this was incredibly shallow of him, given how many people have spent thousands of dollars already and are still waiting for their positive. I told him I understand if he feels bad about the money spent, but keep it to himself because I do not agree with him and given what I've been through physically and emotionally, the money issue isn't even on my radar.

He's still mad at me because I won't acknowledge how he feels. I'm sorry, but I think being upset that we spent approximately $2,500 for this cycle is stupid. I'm happy we only spent that amount, because I thought it would be a lot more. And why is he putting a price tag on our kids???? He's spent more on unneccessary luxury items in our house that he barely uses. He talks about getting a $5K TV, a $30K pool. Aren't our kids worth more than all of these things combined? It makes me so mad. Is he considering the fact that we're getting a 2 for 1 deal possibly, so he won't even have to pay this money for IVF again? Ugh. Infuriating! It must be bad husband week in blog world, because I know some others of you have recently posted frustrations with your hubby.

Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night. Had a huge headache that did not let up, and some cramping. Now of course I'm even more worried that something will happen to one of my little embies, and I'm even more anxious about my appointment Monday. I won't know how to cope if we lose one. In many ways, the past two weeks have been more stressful than the beginning of the cycle. So much is at stake now.