Are You There, Google? It's Me, Emmie.

I think I'm losing my mind. Despite the fact that I know Google can't tell me I'm pregnant, I keep scouring it for clues and reassurance. The HPT I have tucked in my suitcase (the one thing that MIGHT give me a clue) remains untouched. I woke up at 5:30 this morning, cramps raging, heart pounding, and went to the bathroom without even looking for it. I guess at this point I can still have 2 1/2 days of non-devastation before the beta results are delivered to me. Why bring on the devastation any sooner than I need to?

I love Motel Manager's post about symptoms. She sums up the craziness so well. Although it's pointless, I can't help over-analyzing myself.

My "ladies" had a lot of tingling late last week and were so swollen and sore that I thought they were going to fall off my body last week. They also had the major vein thing going on. Today, however, they are not sore at all and they aren't even as veiny. This makes me think that maybe I had an implanter but it decided to leave early after all.

I woke up today with the first headache I've had since the Lupr*n. It feels like the headache that usually signals the arrival of AF for me. Coupled with my cramps, I feel like AF is just strolling down the street and will be here any time now--but not before my beta on Friday. No need to ruin the "surprise" BFN. Everything down there is still all clear--not a spot in site.

I had a weird vein starting to emerge near my belly button, and it too went away, supporting my theory that the uterus has closed up shop.

I had a dream last week that I did a HPT and it was positive. Wishful thinking. I'm afraid I pushed it way too hard the past few days. I couldn't help it though. I had to go on with my life. Next time I'll try not to have a cycle end right around a business trip. It was a good distraction initially though. I really did have fun on Friday and Saturday, and even stopped thinking about the wait for a little while. I'm glad I went away, because being at home would have been much harder.

You know, my discharge instructions after transfer were not nearly as strict as some other people's. I was told that I only had to avoid swimming and sex for one week, not seven. Is that odd? Not that I've done either, and believe me I've been tempted having H here with me over the weekend with a great pool outside. It's probably my last chance to go swimming this year. Part of me just wants to jump in tonight, but I'm such a goody goody. Even though my doctor said I could, I won't. Even though I have an HPT right here, I probably won't use it.

How many of you out there have POAS and regretted it afterwards? I'm assuming if it were positive you didn't regret it. ;)