I Said Not to Talk About It

My mom initially had a wonderful, supportive reaction to my situation, in which she simply listened, asked little to no questions, and kept her mouth shut about all the pregnant people/friends with babies we know. I got a slight hint of “maybe I waited too long to try” from her, but when she found out about H’s problem she was quick to avoid going down that road. She was 29 herself when she had me, so it’s not like I did anything differently than her.

Well, the good behavior has slowly started to deteriorate. First she told my relative, the doctor. I decided to excuse her for this, since he could give her info that I didn’t feel like discussing. And she did resist the urge to tell my sister, so I know that took some real control on her part. (Now that my sister knows though, I’m betting they are talking about it all the time. I can just tell.) Next she started asking in a very serious voice during our phone conversations, “And how are you??” in such a way that I knew she meant the IF and wanted to know what stage I was in for my cycle. At first when I would blow it off and say something like, “Oh, I’m fine. Just tired from work,” she would ask again, “But how ARE you?” So then I’d change the subject entirely. But last night she just comes right out and asks “When do your stims start? When is retrieval?” I felt violated. I had told her not to ask. I don’t want to know where she learned the words stims and retrieval. She doesn’t use the Internet, so I’m sure she’s been talking to people.

My answer to her was that I would be going through the process within the next month. I wished I had told her that I didn’t want to talk specifics and please don’t ask again, but I didn’t. I just wanted to change the subject. So I talked about a business trip I’m going to have in June, and about how I’ll be able to combine it with a trip with H to a really great resort for our anniversary. She immediately tells me—“you won’t be able to go anywhere in June! In fact, your father and I aren’t going to travel anywhere in June either.” She actually said it with some glee. My first thought was—why the hell not? Then the sickening realization washed over me that she believes this cycle is going to work, no questions asked. If it does, I will be due in June. Sure, in the back of my mind I knew that, but I hadn’t even verbalized that fact to H.

I immediately told her that there is no guarantee that things will work, and for my own sake, I need to keep on living and making plans. Any travel plans I make now can be cancelled, and I will do so happily, but I can’t sit here and think that in June everything will be alright. I’m a planner, and it is normal for me to have trips planned a year in advance. She sort of paused, then said “Yes, well, your father and I won’t make any plans for June OR July then.” Argh. I felt like saying a second attempt would mean an August or September baby, not a July one, but I didn’t.

So now that my parents know, they want all the details, and I’m just not willing to share. (My dad sent an e-mail asking when my shots started. I ignored it.). Honestly, my mom seems excited about the treatment. I keep emphasizing that this is a horrible emotional experience and there are no guarantees, but that doesn’t seem to stop her. I just don’t want to have to deal with her disappointment along with mine and H’s if this doesn’t work.

When this doesn’t work, I should say. I’ve pretty well convinced myself that the first one won’t work. I haven’t heard of anybody’s that did on the first try. I’m looking at the first try as a test to see how my body reacts and to see if H will be able to provide his end of the deal. I am scared we won’t have any fertilization, especially since H still hasn’t agreed to ICSI. He’s already told me that he probably won’t agree to doing ICSI on our first try. He seemed to be giving in to it, but when I wanted to sign the consent forms the other night he balked, saying he wasn’t ready. I argued with him, saying it wasn’t fair to put me through the egg retrieval if he wasn’t go to give us the best chance of having the eggs fertilize. He asked me to give him some time and I haven't brought it up since.

Any advice, ladies, on getting H to come around on ICSI? I’ve been doing way more research than him, so I feel comfortable with it, but I can’t tell him to take my word for it (he won’t) and I can’t tell him to ignore his own feelings about it. He does not like the fact that ICSI takes away any chance of natural selection.

Sorry this is so long.