A Little About Me, Before the IF

First off, I want to apologize for the typos you may see in my posts and comments. I am a writer and editor, so you would think I could do better. The thing is, after writing at work all day, then working on my master's thesis at night, I just need to write what's on my mind without thinking too hard about it.

I wasn't always a writer. I started my career as a Theatre teacher, who occassionally taught a few English classes. My undergrad degrees were in English and Theatre, and the teaching job sort of fell on my lap right out of college. I decided not to pursue acting when I figured out that late night rehearsals and weekend performances really aren't that conducive to raising a family. I really enjoyed teaching and had some great students, who I still refer to as my kids, but after a few years I decided to go after a career that was more of my choosing. I don't think I had what it takes to really last in the teaching profession. It was so easy to burn out, especially as I was in a very rough school. I really admire those of you who are teachers and are dealing with IF. I feel your pain in trying to arrange subs for time off and dealing with kids who think you are a lesbian if you spend too much time with a female friend. :)

Anyhow, I thought about teaching at a Catholic school, but my main motivation for doing that was so that I would have an easier time raising my own kids with summers off and free Catholic school tuition. I decided sacrificing acting was already enough for the kids I didn't have yet, so I started looking at what I wanted to do with my writing skills. I figured I could always go back to teaching once I had kids.

My brief moment of career selfishness turned out to be very good for me. I found work writing about science and technology, something evidently most writers trying to earn a steady income don't like to do or don't do well. As a result, I suddenly had a very high salary for a writer. As the years went on, my earning power even surpassed H's, who had always teased me that I would never make as much as him with my English/Theatre degrees. He may have been teasing, but I believed him. I mean, writers are usually pretty low on the salary food chain. It's been a little surreal to be so successful in something that people told me I wouldn't be able to do. One of the things I am most grateful for right now is that I have a career I am proud of and that makes me happy.

In doing well at work, I was offered an even more lucrative position a year ago and I took it, right about the time we started ttc. The new job was more than I bargained for, though, in that there were all these personal dramas always going on in the office and the work itself wasn't valued by those in charge. I was putting in more hours than ever before, but producing less. So I started looking elsewhere, thinking that at any moment now I could get pregnant and knowing that this work environment would not be good for me to be in while raising a child. Most of my colleagues were single, childless women in their 40s and 50s, and I could tell from conversations that they would not have been open to me taking time off for maternity leave or working from home part time.

I found my current job right before my IF diagnosis, and it is the best place on earth to work if you want to start a family. I get paid the same amount as before, but I work less hours. I have a completely supportive and pregnant boss. I can work from home when I need to and almost all of my coworkers have little kids. It's just a very family friendly place. I have business trips about 4 times a year, and people are encouraged to bring their spouses and kids. They even have activities for them. I would get a 4 month maternity leave, paid at 50 percent. My vacation time is double what it was before, plus I now get sick leave to cover all my doctor visits. It's a dream come true after having to beg to leave an hour early for a doctor's appointment.

I was thinking I would get pregnant immediately once the job stress was over. Wrong. But at least I have a very good job situation for going through IVF. I can take off when I need to for the procedures without a lot of questions and I can work from home on days I have afternoon appointments.

I do have things to be very grateful for--H, my career, my new employer. I'm trying to remind myself of that. But I keep thinking back to myself as the teacher...who really loved her kids and was considering staying in a profession she didn't love in order to make it easier to have her own. Would I have kids by now if I had stayed a teacher? We probably would have started trying sooner. Would that have made a difference with H's subfertility? My left tube would probably have been okay back then.

I know you can't second guess yourself. It is what it is. But I just wonder how many of my choices contributed to the situation I am in right now, and how much of it was avoidable?