Is it Too Much to Ask...

AF was her usual punctual self, so I called the clinic to set up my ultrasound/Lupron evaluations for bright and early Saturday morning. I’m happy that it’s on a Saturday so that if I find out I have cysts and have to delay, I don’t have to go into work afterwards and be chipper. I’m pretty concerned about cysts, especially since they already saw a little one at my mock transfer a few weeks ago. I just hope everything will be a go and I won’t waste a $50 injection of Gonal F that morning and all that Lupron if I find out we have to wait.

My sister and her husband will be coming over later that day to hang out with us. We planned this months ago, before the cycle, so I didn’t want to cancel. As I mentioned, she is ttc now, and I have been observing her closely for any signs of success, especially since I’ve asked her not to come out and tell me of any news until after my cycle is over. Well, last night my mom must have read my mind. She was telling me about how she and sis had gone bathing suit shopping, and how she got a lot of great ones on sale. I asked if sis had bought any, and she said, “No. She has her period really bad and didn’t want to try any on.” I have to admit, hearing her say that made me sigh in relief. I thought it was funny my mom said something like that, though, because I don’t think she would have normally.

So I tell H that I’m looking forward to sis and her husband coming over, since I won’t be sweating the “is she, isn’t she” question in my drug-riddled mind. H proceeds to tell me, “Maybe your mom just said that, and it’s not really true. Maybe she is pregnant and doesn’t want you to know.” I was aghast. Why would she do that? (And why was H saying this to me?) I yelled at H for putting the thought in my mind. What the hell?
He persisted, saying that she probably was pregnant and “maybe just lied to my mom about her period so she didn’t have to admit it yet.” Again, stop it! H was being really pissy, further making me believe that he was the one experiencing the hormonal effects of IVF by some sort of weird mind/body swap.

We stop talking, and he later tells me that he doesn’t like how I take joy in someone else not getting pregnant. He lectured me that I should be hopeful that my sister succeeds right away so that she doesn’t have to go through IVF.

So now I feel like a complete a**hole. Of course I want my sister to be able to conceive naturally and without too much distress. But my thing is—she’s significantly younger than me. Does she need to be doing this right now, when I’m at my limit and the news will hurt me? She didn’t want kids at all last year this time. I know, I know. Her family building plans are not about me, nor should they be. But we have always had a sibling rivalry thing, and it seems like she is always rushing to keep up with me with marriage, buying a house, and so on. I feel like she rushes her life away sometimes. Just because I do something, doesn’t mean she needs to also do it that very same year, you know?

I can’t be excited for someone to get pregnant off the first few tries right now, and I certainly will have a hard time if that person is one of my main support systems right now. I will be overjoyed if she and I become pregnant at the same time. That would be awesome. But I don’t need to feel this added pressure right now and feelings of inadequacy if she is the first to get pregnant and I don’t succeed at all. H doesn’t understand any of this and just thinks I’m being selfish. Sorry, I’m not as generous as he is to put others ahead of protecting myself right now. He’s always been a better person that me. Maybe this is why I’m going through all this. I have a lot to learn about patience and putting others ahead of myself. Sigh.