Thoughts on Adoption

Hello from the midwest! I'm at a conference this week, which is why I've been so quiet. I have very little free time while I'm traveling, but I do have a laptop with a wireless connection, so here I am for a quick post.

When I first found out that H and I were dealing with IF, my immediate gut reaction was--I can't adopt. Not because I wouldn't love an adopted child, but because that child wouldn't love me. I have known 4 people who are adopted and each of them are very conflicted by it. For some, these feelings have led them to totally reject their adoptive parents. For another friend, the bitterness is only just now healing with the discovery of his biological mother and siblings.

Here are their stories:

1. My best friend's parents could not conceive for many years, so they adopted a boy, let's call him D, from the U.S. in a closed adoption. A few years after D's adoption, the parents suddenly naturally conceived on their own, and went on to have 3 biological kids, which included my best friend, N. Even though the parents and N loved D very much, he was very upset about his adoption. As soon as D turned 18, he left home with no note and never returned. There was much heartache in the family at losing him. Years later, N's parents ran into D accidentally and learned he had a child of his own. They tried to re-establish contact but it did not last. It pains them greatly because they consider D their son as much as their biological kids. They have had to let him go.

2. My sister's best friend, K, was adopted at birth and no one in our circle of friends/neighbors knew about her adoption, including K, until she was in her teens. She looks just like her adopted dad, but learning she was adopted created a huge crater in her life. She left home after college and keeps only loose contact with her adopted parents, the only parents she has ever known. She has cut off contact with my sister and all others who knew her growing up. She has had a lot of issues as a result of the adoption.

3. My husband's best friend, S, knew about his adoption from an early age as he is Colombian and his parents are white Americans. He struggled greatly with his identity in college and contemplated suicide many times, all connected to his feelings of abandonment. He sought therapy but it did not change the desperation he felt to find his biological parents. Luckily he does love his adopted parents and has not abandoned them, but he is just now finding peace in his life after finally finding his biological family. He now treats them all as his parents equally. I know this has caused his adopted parents heartache, but they were supportive in his quest.

4. My husband's half brother T was an "oops" that H's dad did not even know about until running into the mother 18 years later. The mother had married another man shortly after getting pregnant with T, and her husband raised T as his own. T says he always knew in his heart that the man who raised him was not his father, even though there was no reason for him to suspect otherwise. He said they never got along and there was lots of tension. When T met his biological dad, he said he was so relieved. Shortly after this reunion, T's mother and her husband divorced. T keeps no contact with him since learning he is not his biological parent. T still has a lot of family issues stemming from this discovery and has cancelled weddings to separate people 3 different times. He believes his commitment issues are a result of his family "mix up." He wants no children of his own. S and K also want no children of their own.

Having firsthand witnessed the pain that adoption has brought to the adoptive parents and children of people very close to me has made me fear adoption greatly. Yes, I know there are many adoption success stories, but I haven't seen any with my own eyes. I don't know what an adoption "happily ever after" looks like. I only have seen how adoption causes more pain to everyone involved. I don't want to get through the pain of IF only to experience the pain of my adopted child's feelings that I am not their real mother.

So please, those of you out there who can tell me how a successul adoption works, tell me how you dealt with these issues with your children. Were you open from day one about their adoption? Did you keep in touch with biological parents? Did your children need to know their biological parents?

I know I will love a child I adopt. After all, I loved many of the students I taught and treated them as I would treat my own kids. I cannot face the pain of them resenting me though. My goal is to have a family. And that means having a child that will be my child always, whether I conceived them or not. If adoption is going to cause my child pain and psychological issues, then I would rather remain childless, as much as I hate that option.